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Forward and Back Again

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[16 Mar 2014|10:33pm]
Wow. Seems like so much has changed. Looking back on older entries, I wrote about how I wanted to marry him. Well, I definitely don't and our relationship is mediocre at best. We have to move out at the end of the month, but now have no place to live, so I have to stay at my mother's until the condo becomes vacant. He needs to stay at his mother's. I can't stand him. So lazy and he's gained so much weight (twice the size since we first met). TV is his life. It's not mine. It seems like he takes nothing seriously. I always seem angry. I don't like who I am.

I have since transferred stores, so I no longer work with that terrible boss. So glad. Though I'm starting to realize even with leaving that toxic environment, I'm still not happy. I guess there's so much more I thought I would have accomplished by now. I have a lot of awesome people in my life and I'm thankful for that.

My sibling is getting married. That's great. He's mad at me because I can't afford to be a bridesmaid. The dress was too expensive. He hasn't talked to me and is upset with me. Should I apologize? For what? I'm sorry that I have a shitty job, living situation, and not so great boyfriend. That I'm poor. No, I'm not sorry.
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[03 Jun 2013|05:16pm]
I can accurately say that I've never hated a boss in my life. Until now..

And I'm not the only one that hates her, everyone hates her. How sad is that? She, literally, has some type of personality disorder, I'm sure.

So she takes me in her office (of the many times) and tells me to have a seat. What did I do now, I think.

She, basically, tells me I have an attitude problem. Yeah, who wouldn't when they work for you... Then she asks me if I like my job or hate it. I tell her that I don't love my job. She immediately takes this to me saying that I hate my job which, mind you, isn't far from the truth. She asks me what "she can do" to make me like my job again. I told her nothing.

I gave her the following reasons for not liking my current job:

-It's retail and you have to work closely with customers
-I always work weird hours, especially nights/closing shifts.
-Other full-timers work only day shifts
-It doesn't pay enough
-My boss sucks (I didn't say this one out loud)
-I've been here seven years and haven't moved anywhere within the company despite my best efforts (including an in-company career program).
-I do the same thing all the time and it requires very little brain power.

She asked me what my degree was in and then told me I could get a job in my field and work ONE day a week there to get my foot in the door and ask for that day off. Um, yeah, really???? ONE DAY? Who's going to hire me to work one day a week, plus I have to work another 40 hours at my main job.

No, thanks. You're not helping. EVER. I just wanna get outta here!
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[05 Jan 2011|11:15pm]
We got a place soon after my last entry.
It's a second floor of a house. Two bedroom.

My cat never surfaced. I miss him everyday. My co-worker found a kitten that looks a lot like him and I couldn't stop playing with the cat and holding him. I wish I could have held my cat one last time. To say good-bye. Bury him. It's what any living soul deserves.

I have lost all of my friends. I have come to terms with this and become angrier with myself everyday.

I have no life. Work is my life. I live to work, I work to live.

My lazy boyfriend is my only social life. And he spends half his time sitting in front of the TV. Slash that: 80 percent of the time it's on. No wonder the cable bill is so freaking high.
He doesn't do anything around the house. I work 55 hours a week and I also cook, clean, pay the bills, etc. What does he do? Constantly and continually ruin our relationship. I fear it's not long now before I move out.

The nagging in the back of my brain tells me that once I lose him, I lose everything. He is the only person I hang with outside of work. He's not the reason I live. I was doing fine on my own for two years. I can do fine on my own. I can do what I want, when I want.

I want to get drunk every night. I want to sleep around. I want to repair my long lost realtionships. I want to go back to when I was in college and life seemed more simple.

School. That's where I should be. Why aren't I there yet?

You can lead a horse to water, but only the horse can drink it.

That's how I feel right now. I'm that thirsty horse that can't see what's right in front of me. The right thing to do is the elephant in the small room. I choose to ignore it. Why?
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[22 Jul 2010|10:07pm]
Why is it so difficult for us to get an apartment? It was so easy for me to get an apartment, but together it's impossible. I'm not sure if it's because we're young or if it's because he doesn't have any credit.

I had a job interview about a month ago and it went well until we got to the hourly pay. He told me that it was less than I was getting at my jobs now. Also, people quit because they felt that the money wasn't worth all of the stress and work involved in the job. He was ready to hire me on the spot and they had both full and part-time positions available. I went home that night and spoke about it with the boyfriend and asked quite a few other people's opinions. I ended up declining the position.

Life feels pretty much the same as it did two years ago. I pretty much have lost all of my friends that I currently have and replaced them with the boyfriend. I've kinda tried to repair the relationships, but it's difficult when you work 7 days a week.

My mother called me a few weeks ago and told me that my cat hasn't been around. He has since not appeared. I will never know what happened to him and I feel that I will not be able to properly grieve for him. I had him since he was a kitten and he was my cat. I miss him. I wish I could hold him one more time. Or at least be able to bury him and have a place to put flowers.

I got a "new" car last February. A 2005 car with an auto loan. I love it. So glad I got a Honda and not a Toyota after all that trouble with Toyotas in the past year.
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[14 Feb 2009|09:04pm]
Here it is Valentine's Day and I'm home, alone, drinking by myself for the first time ever. I want to feel what I haven't in a long time: drunk. Even if it is by myself. It's just like another Valentine's Day by myself. Alone. Like anyother Valentine's that I've had.

I'll probably end up passing out on either the couch or in my bed, dreaming of being somewhere that I would really like to be and being happy wherever I am. It's not here though, I swear to it.

Sometimes I feel I am happy. When things go right and I feel like I've accomplished something by the end of the day, but, most of the time, I don't feel like that. I want a job that pays more than $10 per hour. More like, I NEED a job that pays better than $10 per hour especially since my car won't pass inspection in June. So, yeah, new car? So, yeah, no money? So, yeahhhh, loan? UGH. WTF. I can't afford a monthly car payment. I'm hoping my father will give me raise this spring. YEAHHHH, a raise, how 'bout that?

I'm done for now.
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Have a Heart and Try Me [28 Jan 2009|10:36am]
Where will I be in ten years? That is the question.
It's funny how life changes so quickly. Your head doesn't even have time to spin because before you know it, you're right back where you started. But you're not because you've been transported to a different dimension, a different world, a different life.

He pretty much asked me to marry him and I pretty much said yes. I've never felt like this with a significant other before. I mean, I haven't had anywhere near the amount of relationships as he's had, but I never felt like this with my past boyfriend. My past boyfriend, we dated for a year and I never even wanted to marry him. I was lucky to keep up with what we had, which wasn't that much. My current boyfriend, we have a connection, one that I could not see being broken anytime soon. I don't want us to get married and end up like another statistic. He'll move in with me first. I'm sure I'll be criticized by everyone for being "engaged." But, then again, I've been criticized about this relationship from the beginning, so it wouldn't be anything different.

So, yeah, how 'bout that graduate school? Running out of time, yup. Sigh. What else is new?

Motivation, motivation, where have you gone?

I miss writing papers. That probably sounds a little ridiculous, but I love to write and I don't write much on my own anymore besides an occassional journal entry online or on paper. I still read. I have to keep my brain going in some way, so I make myself read. At least then, I can keep my vocabulary going and my brain thinking. It's like motivation or something.
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Lather, Rinse, and Repeat [17 Oct 2008|08:03am]
I've realized why I continue to have dreams about going back to high school.

High school is so defined. It's a routine: you get up, go to school, come home, do homework, go to bed. Lather, rinse, and repeat.

My life is anything but stable anymore. My work schedule varies as does my sleep schedule. I don't know what to expect from tomorrow or even today. Living on my own feels like it's causing this extra stress that is piling ontop of the other stressors that I seem to encounter everyday.

I love him. My God, do I love him. But everytime I think of her it does make me sick. The fact that he still talks to her makes me sick. And he's worried about Trev? I never used to date Trev and you're worrried? Jesus, if he gets worried about that so easily how does he think I feel?

I started reading the conversations again despite the fact that I told myself I wouldn't. He told her he "hearts" her and that he should delete that before I saw it. SNAP!

Now, one would think that any normal person would get so mad about that. Yeah, it didn't really affect me in the slightest.

I feel like I could buy a bottle of vodka, drink the whole thing by myself, so that I could feel something other than what I'm feeling right now. And I've never drank by myself before, but it is looking so appetizing right now. That and a whole pack of cigarettes. Oh, God, I miss smoking. And drinking, but smoking more, I think.
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[20 Sep 2008|10:09pm]
It's interesting how life can change in the matter of months.

I'm now a college graduate and have gotten a promotion and raise at one of my two jobs.
I have a wonderful boyfriend.
And I have my own apartment.

I'm not sure I'm ready for a "real" job yet.

Only I can get pulled over twice by two different cops in the span of 5 minutes.
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You're Secret Safe With Me [23 Feb 2008|11:09pm]
[ mood | sad ]

"Things are getting worse, but I feel a lot better"

One of those days. A reminder that I have to get in gear or I will be miserable in my current situation for the rest of my life.

I can't believe I am considering the unconsiderable (at least, in my mind). 

Why be miserable? You have to do what makes you happy, because if you can't make yourself happy, no one can do it for you.

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Time is Warped [29 Jan 2008|09:29pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

I need to get a jump on grad school. Where to go, what to go for? When to take the GRE?

Oh, god, what the hell? I don't even know if that's what I want to do, nevermind even begin to think of going there.
I started my internship last week. I've done a complete week there now and I'm beginning to get the flow there. It's too early to tell if this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

It's going to be a tiring semester. I was actually thinking of going back to the H'ford in the other 'burg, but it's an hour commute and as much as I loved it there, it's just not worth it. I'm going to be tired enough and just working there and then the commute will wear on me even more. Hell, I'm already tired. Having something to do 7 days a week just won't be fun. Both places are just work for now, I'll deal with it. I'll just chug along. I'll just get used to a routine and then I won't even think anything of it. I just need to get over this hill. 

Hell, I'll be graduating in May. Word?

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[24 Nov 2007|08:50pm]
All of a sudden I feel like everything I've ever done wrong is buzzing in my head all at once. It's like an electrical storm that continues to rage on. How can one work in this type of atmosphere? It's so depressing. It's making me hate myself.

I hate myself. I'm so stupid. Fucking dumb. I hate myself. God, why do I hate myself? Why do I screw up? I've done so many wrong things in my life and they're all piling up on me right now and I feel so bad. Like a big ball of stupid. Yeah, that's how to describe it, asshole. Ugh, I can't take this. One can only take so much hate and wrong. I'm such a terrible person. I can't stand myself.

Make this feeling stop. Please?

I feel bad enough.
The look. Your look. Your attitude.

I'm sorry I'm the fucked up daughter that didn't turn out the way you wanted. Trust me, I didn't want to turn out this way either.
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List-- [20 Nov 2007|10:19am]

More for personal use than anything:

-write my 3 papers for Gromie's class
-write my paper for my night class
-figure out internship related things including cancelling my housing for next semester
-portfolio for French classsssssss
-final journals and group project for Okerman
-Brock's test??!!

I think that's it. After Thanksgiving, the fun will end.

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[26 Oct 2007|03:47pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

I've never been so nervous about the future.
I was walking back from McKay today and thinking about when I was in Elementary school and how the teacher's warned that "in Junior High they won't tolerate this, so break the habit now" and how it never really turned out like that. Same with Junior High, same with High School, and college? College can't be described by anyone. It's an experience like no other and it pains me to know that this is my last semester that I will be spending with the individuals who I've developed relationships with in the (what I consider so far) to be the most important years of my life. I never thought it would turn out this way and now I'm planning an internship.
Even if I went to graduate school, it wouldn't be the same. I won't be here. And as much as I hate this place, the people make it good, make it worth it and so does the ending result. The degree. Will they know me 10 years from now? Did I make that much of an impression upon them? I will miss them and I will hate to leave them. I will probably be one of those people crying at graduation, with smiles and tears is what my college graduation album will say.

I never went to my high school graduation, but that is because it meant nothing to me. And it doesn't matter that I don't really care for my major anymore, I am proud of my accomplishment and of those around me. These years of my life have restored me. In all the anger and sadness, I have never been happier. High school was dampening my spirits, but college couldn't have lifted them more.

I was also wondering, on the walk from McKay, how I would be if I went to a different school. I have asked this of myself quite often. It's one of those ask and look-out-the-window questions. You ponder for awhile and then smile because you will never the answer you can only hope that it would have been equal in some ways, but different in others.

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Here We Go [12 Oct 2007|09:38pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

Here we go again. The cold shoulder. The feeling of disconnectedness. In fact, it's the same feeling I had with C today. I was putting my tray away and he was in front of me. He nearly walked right into me and then didn't mutter a word of apology. Not that I really expect him to, but it would be nice. It's a shame that that had to end that way. But that is entirely different from what I originally meant by this entry.

I remember this feeling. I believe I can trace it back to the "wise fool" stage of college. Yes, I'm sure that is it. But for a different reason? Another man, yes, I think that's it. So why is she so angry about this? When I look at her I am reminded of my mother in only one way: the stubborness, the need for control over a situation. It's like breaking through a barrier without words. 
It's your fault thus you must apologize.
I beg to differ.

What does anger get you anyway? Adds more stress to your life. And who wants that when you already have enough stress due to other various factors unrelated to this incident altogether? 
You feel like the world is against you? Maybe it is, but only if you think it is. 

If you say, "I don't like that person" then you won't like them, of course. It's simple logic. 
Just because you think the world is against you does not make it so. 

Just because you think someone did something does not make your theory of them doing it true. 
We are all clear as to what that "assumption" phrase claims and it rings true, of course. 

Don't judge me. Look at my role model. In fact, look at your own role model. Ha!

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Forward and Back Again? [25 Jul 2007|10:16pm]
It's one of those 'ohnoshedidn't!'

I wonder if it was just past feelings that were being stirred up, but I really don't ever seeing it being anything more than a sexual relationship. It seems as though I still can't shake him. What's weird is that we didn't really talk or get together or do anything besides say "hi" when we saw each other at school and now it's sex? Huh?

But I guess it was the same way with the other guy, it just kinda came out of the blue. But at least I know that with the other guy it's nothing more than lust, but with him, I don't know. Maybe he still has feelings for me and the time that we recently spent together I was trying to find those feelings, but it seems like he's still the same person as he was when we were dating. And it really is a shame because when I broke up with him I said that maybe in a few years we could work things out and it's been almost a year and a half and he's not anymore mature than he was before. I just don't see a change, thus I am not attracted to him at all except sexually (and even that, eh--)

I don't know. I feel like I keep going back to guys that I used to like and it's like I'm not going forward at all. Less forward more back. And I have been interested in moving forward, but if I can't find a new guy that I like (and it's mutual) than I can't really move forward I guess. 

I'm trying to think of it from a psychological standpoint and think what I am doing this because I feel comfortable with those people and more comfortable with my past? But I don't think I feel comfortable with my past at all, so why do I keep resorting back to it? Because I know it? It's not new?
Kinda ironic that the three guys I've been with in any sexual manor my whole life, I've been around at least once this summer (and one it happened by chance and I don't care for him at all and would be happy to never see him again).
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Why Do All Good Things Come to an End? [15 May 2007|02:12am]
[ mood | inquisitive ]

I wonder, when I die, will people remember me? Will they remember me and smile? Will they think nothing when they see my name? Will I leave behind a "legacy?" Will I impact someone so much that they will remember me for the rest of their life. And I don't mean family or friends, I mean a stranger. Someone I help. And they remember me. Because, really, that's what I want to do and I think that's why we were all put on this Earth. To affect people--in both good and bad ways--and having them remember you for it. It's like being a man and having a son to carry on  your legacy for you. I don't want to be known as "oh, yeah, her. I remember her. Um, yeah, so how about that weather?" Sure, I'll be that to people no matter what I do, but I want to mean something to someone. I want to affect someone's life in the most profound way. 

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[02 May 2007|04:02pm]
[ mood | grateful ]

It's days like these that I am at my happiest. When everything just fits into place and makes the utmost sense.

Like, so far:

-In my Lit class we broke up into groups and shared our favorite artist. The girl I was paired up with, her favorite artist was BNL. How cool is that?
-My Lit teacher let me borrow his Rise of David Levinksy book without me even asking. This is why he is so awesome.
-I got an A- on my paper I did for his class.
-I couldn't get out of bed until 10:30 this morning because I was so tired, thus I missed my 9:30 class, but it didn't matter because it was cancelled anyway (which it seems like we don't have class vs. having class)
-I went Lunenberg's Public Library and they had House on Mango Street a book that the school's library said they have, but I couldn't find it anywhere. I read it in about 1 1/2 hours and found a lot of stuff to put in my paper.
-I had lunch and met someone new. We ended up talking for quite awhile. Everyone likes new friends.
-I also found this Egyptian book (The Ptolemies by Duncan Sprott) and decided to check it out. Although I don't know when I'll be able to read it with finals and papers, etc.
-It is a gorgeous day.
- :)

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[29 Apr 2007|10:58pm]
[ mood | dismal ]

The last time I wrote an entry was the summer I graduated from high school and now I've almost finished my third year of college. I randomly remembered this journal (well, it was more like float_away that then led me here) and since I cannot remember my password for that journal, and I do this, I am writing here instead. 
I can't honestly say anyone even ever knew about this journal and if they did, surely they wouldn't check it anymore with 3 years without an update.
I remembered this journals because I just finished reading the book The Namesake.
Sometimes I get in "a mood" where if I read for extensive periods of time, it makes me think about my own life, and I reflect on the past. 

I think that this time next year I will be ending my internship and graduating in a few short weeks from undergraduate school, already well aware of where I am going for graduate school (hopefully) and I can't help but know that I will be feeling the same feeling as I did when I graduated from high school - the feeling of leaving everything behind and "starting again." Meeting new friends and starting at a new school. It's scary, I know, and I should really cherish the days that I have left with my friends here. 
I think of how my brother does not have to "suffer" from said change as he just stayed at his school and is now living in his own house with a bunch of his friends that he's had for most, if not all, of his college life. Not having to leave his undergraduate friends behind to seek new graduate friends. Then I think of my parents and how they never even faced this change. They just went to undergraduate school and "called it quits."

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[12 Aug 2004|09:55pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I nearly forgot about this journal. For some reason, I remembered it and I re-read all of the entries.

I moved onto UJ, but since UJ has been down, I will find solace in this journal.

It's been about 10 months since I last wrote in you. The memories are sharp pains that make me sad and I wonder if anything is much better or has changed.
Sure, stuff has changed, but some things never change. And sometimes those things that don't change, are the things you want to change the most, but don't have any control over.

I finished High School and it's off to college in less than a month. 3 BNL concerts. Tattoo. 18th birth-ok-day. Work, work, work. Tired. Scared. Excited. Nervous. Rushed. UML not-acceptance. Financial troubles. Trying to sell car. Surviving? Scholarhip fever with only getting two.

Joyce has been on vacation this week. It's been hell. Tomorrow is my 7th day in a row. God, I'm so tired. With the concert on Monday, the quiz for the subsidized loan, calling about my bill and roommate information (more like, NO roommate!), cashing my bonds, getting dorm supplies, signing up for classes. What hell. Hell, hell, hell.

And what else? I don't know if she's serious. It's hard to tell when people are either joking or serious online. I do hope she's not serious.

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[12 Oct 2003|11:37pm]
Life has been strange. But, when isn't it?
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